From a very young age i have suffered from acute anxiety. This has had a major effect on my life, preventing me from enjoying myself and from doing the things i want to do. Everything i said or did would be subject to analysis. I would go over, in my head, the things i had said to someone or how i had behaved and worry that i hadn't said the right thing , or behaved correctly. Even a simple thing, such as a visit to the doctor, would involve me ,sitting, going over and over what i was going to say when i went into the surgery and invariably, once in there, i would say something completely different .
In my teens i loved music. I would go to discos but would spend the whole time sitting on a chair or propped up against the wall resisting my friends attempts to pull me onto the dance floor. Oh how i longed to get out there and dance. In my head i was gyrating to the beat along with the rest of them , in reality i was too anxious about making a fool of myself to join in.
When i married, in my twenties, it was to a much older man. I spent most of my marriage anxious about the image i presented. I didn't want to appear too young and frivolous so dressed older than my years and acted more like a forty year old than a young women. Pregnancy brought forth new anxieties, would my baby be healthy, would i be a good enough mother, would my husband love my children as much as he loved the children from his first marriage? With each child's birth there would be relief that everything had turned out fine but the next time i became pregnant i would be convinced that ,this time , something would go wrong. I didn't deserve to have another healthy baby. My children, apart from the usual parental worries, did not cause me too many anxieties. They didn't judge me and i didn't need to worry about how i behaved with them.Being a mother was a joyous and fulfilling role for me. My children were a constant source of delight to me, and still are, even though they are all grown up!

The old anxieties continued throughout my thirties and forties. I hated meeting new people,worried about parent's evening , sports day, options meetings ,any occasion where i had to speak to someone in authority or give my opinion. I tried helping out in my daughter's class at school, and while i loved working with the children, listening to them read, or helping them with art projects, my anxiety about having to go into the staff room at break time or during lunch made me feel physically ill and i had to give it up. I began to think that i would still be a pathetic anxious person, worrying about how people percieved me, when i reached pensionable age. Thankfully i no longer believe this to be so. I am now fifty three years old, menopausal, fat, diabetic and past my prime , but at long last i seem to be losing my inhibitions. At last i can truly say that i don't care what other people think of me. If i want to sing on the sing star, i will.If i want to wear a short skirt and high heels i will. If i make a fool of myself being loud and silly, who cares? Not me. As long as i don't hurt anyone by my actions i can do as i like . It has taken me a long time but i think i am slowly getting there. I can dance to the music! Goodbye anxiety , and good riddance.